A Thing of Beauty

Technology Heals

At the risk of making this seem like a blog that just hates on old people, I can't resist publishing a note I received in the mail today from an angry Beverly Hills resident named Amanda.  I don't know how old she is, but judging from her handwriting, I'd say about one hundred and fifty.

Backstory:  My co. sent out a survey that asked for opinions on a new retirement community that is being developed in West LA.  She handwrote this back.

"With all your computers, you think you could make it to where a movie for an older person wouldn't cost $100!  I am not planning on moving or selling my house!"

Okay, Amanda, coupla things.

1.  You're seriously psycho.

2.  With all my computers.  Wow.  You obvs don't know this, but computers don't make movies cheaper.  It sucks, I know.  But I have no control over it.  And, don't sell your house.  Or, at least live there long enough to where I can egg it.

Mom--Can I Call You Mom?

Why do some middle-aged adults call their elderly parents by their first names?  I would never do that, but my childhood piano teacher's adult children did it to her.  My aunt does it to my grandmother.  My boss's daughter (hubba hubba) does it too.  But, I don't like it.  I feel like it's a slap in the face to mothers.

Examples

"Mom, can we talk?" vs. "Elaine, something's on my mind."

"Dinner was great, Mom." vs. "Thanks for lunch, Winnie."

"Sorry I haven't called, Mom.  Things have been crazy." vs. "Lydia, pass the burritos."

You Can Call Me

Just some fair warning for you guys if you ever call me.   This is how I'm going to answer the phone from now on: Ring ring. "What's up I'm really busy." Cool?

Watch Your Back

Many do not know that in addition to not updating this blog enough, I also work in geriatrics.  So, I feel like I have plenty of authority to say that the elderly are awful, hateful people.  As a friend of mine recently stated, with the exception of your own grandparents, they suck.

For example, I was transcribing a tape of a focus group that was held to see if people would move into a brand-new nursing home.  All of the participants were in their 70s and 80s.  This one woman named Jessie (83 years old) was asked this, "If it were you, would you move into this facility?"

Jessie replied like a typical smart-ass bitch:  "No, I would not. And I am me."  Wow.  Clever, Jessie, clever.

FUCK. YOU.  Nobody asked you anything confrontational, so just calm down and eat your complimentary continental breakfast, which was the only reason you showed up in the first place.  Whatcha got now, Jessie???  Huh?  Whatcha gon hit me back with? 

Here's a short list of what you cannot do as an elderly person:

1.  Cut in line.
2.  Order in a restaurant.
3.  Start a sentence with "You don't mind if I.."

Cuz yes, we do.

The Plus Side

Old people are most amusing when discussing technology, and it's usually worth sticking around for.  When computers came up on the focus group tape, this happened:

Gloria:  "My son lives in Nepal, and we made a google and talked on it.  I could see him and he could see me.  He set up the google before he left, but it was so nice." 

Mmm-hm.   Cute. She has zero idea what the fuck she's talking about.

And then in the background, you hear Jessie the bitch, "Must be nice."

Typical.